| ........ |
[26 Mar 2006|02:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 fuck it |
] |
Razorblades tide round her wrists
like ribbons over apathetic scars
crimson blood pours from her veins
her skin grows pale
her body growing weak
soon she's laying in her own bloody mess
You think
You don't know
You think
You do know
You think
You leave her there
you don't care
|
|
| In Memory of....JAI |
[06 Mar 2006|01:04am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 jai, we are taking over! |
] |
When you left this world, you took a peice of my heart that belongs to you forever, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU JAI, I never got the chance to meet you, but Caity told me what you said when I was suicidal that weekend, and it breaks my heart to know that we will never meet, but on the day we do, we are taking over that place up there and you know we are.
I love you so much, for some reason it feels like your arms are wrapped around me.
Guys and Girls of Vengeance University, Jai is the most amazing guy I have ever known....and I miss him alot already.
He was an A7X fan, and he just plain ruled.
for those wanting to know, my friend Caity told Jai and his brothers - Stu, Chris, Adam, and Josh how suicidal I was the weekend before this one gone, and Jai said "We have to see her, we have to meet her and..." that's where it was left.......i wish we had met *crumbles*
JAI I LOVE YOU BABE
XXX
|
|
| where do i go now |
[02 Mar 2006|01:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
love is such a harsh word |
] |
Okay so reading back on my entry from this morning, I seemed okay, and happy, i'm not so happy now.
Marshall and Tony stayed with me in my room, while my ex and Pringle slept in the living room.
Me and Marshall went and cooked loaded potato skins at 4am, we took them into the bedroom, and sat there on my bed and watched The Crow Salvation, it's my second favourite of the collection.
I sat there with Marsh and Tony eating potato skins, and watching the movie....once we'd eaten we layed back and watched the movie.
I spent the entire time watching the movie, cuddled up to Marshall, he's like a brother I can lean on when I need him....as is tony and pringle.
I ended up crying during the movie, my brother's arms comforted me more than anything could at that point., I was trying to be strong, and not let my self down, and let everyone know how I was really feeling, I guess it's too much to really hide, when you been with someone, and shared so much for nearly two years, I guess when you really think about it, it actually is your heart that's just been smashed.
Well I have to find somewhere to go, so I might not be online for a while
Love and Vengeance
xxx
|
|
| I guess it's time too move on |
[02 Mar 2006|04:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 apathetic |
] |
well, after nearly 2 years of misery, I've finally had the courage to tell my bf where to get off.
It's finally over, no more heartache, no more upset, no more calling my friends or my parents at 1am crying down the phone, needing help.
I have my brothers, Pringle, Marshall and Tony (although they don't exactly get on) and they show me enough support, and I love them so much.
My bf said I have a week to find somewhere to live, so me and Pringle are going to look at some flats tomorrow...
So yeah this is where I say here's to a new start, and a new life, laughs, wild nights, and good fucking times with my friends/brothers.
Pringle, Marshall and Tony are here now and Marshall atempted to eat a fake flower, I love these guys, way to fucking random...
Well I'm now going back to watching fear and loathing in las vegas, with marshall who is in front of me, tony who is sitting on the end of a fold up bed to my right, pringle who is on the couch next to marshall and my ex to the left of me...and 3 of us are eating a VERY nice cake....after putting cream on marshall's face lmao.
love and vengeance
xx
|
|
| LABLES...PSSSSSH......POSER...YEAH FUCKING RIGHT |
[27 Feb 2006|03:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 I look back, I have come far |
] |
While sitting here cleaning my peircing, I was thinking, why the fuck do people have to have lables...goth, emo, scenester, grunger, punk then the different types within the lable....what the fuck is it all about....I thought life was about being individual, I thought punk was a type of music, rather than a lable.
Now i'm 1 year off 20, I been thinking of the changes I've been through.
I've been through the "punk" stage and the "goth" stages, but I guess as you get older, you begin to dress in your own way, and move on from trying to fit in with everyone else....this is where I have started to realise that, I don't dress like alot of my friends that I go to gigs, and about town with.
I mean there is Marshall who wears jeans that 50 Cent would wear, and he's a lover of rock music, from Guns n Roses to whatever he thinks sounds good, but he still maintains his indivuality.
I was only 19 a few days ago, and in those few days I have rooted threw my wardrobe and thrown out stuff I know I'm never going to wear again, or turned them into something I would wear...I did throw out alot of "gothic" dresses.
I guess in the last few years I have matured alot more, and realised life isn't all about trying to fit in, I'm happy with the way I am, I have the most wonderful friends who I love with all my heart -Noah, Maria, Jill, Pringle, Dan(Life Sentence), Marshall, Tony, Mel, Kirsty, Sig, Lucy, Lisa, Lykke, Laura etc...you know who you are, I'm meeting the band I owe so much to next week, and I don't want to die any more, I don't want to cut myself, and although I still drink a fucking lot of alcohol, I don't go out of my way to do it, It's not the first drink I have in the morning, and I'm learning to enjoy my life finally.....who gives a shit if I like rave music, that doesn't make me a poser, as I don't belong to any lable, nor does it make me a "fake" A7X fan, I mean have you read my letter to them dated January 10th 2006...if not I suggest you do, before calling me a fake fan, or a poser...
I've gained and lost friends over the last few years, but the ones I've lost are just plain losers, no life, got nothing better to do then slag me off to try and make themselves look cool....I really can't stand people like that.
All in all I guess I'm saying I've finally looked back on my life and realised how far I've come.....While I still feel I have more to achieve, I've achieved one goal I set out to do, and that was to tell A7X that they saved my life, (the only goal I didn't succeed there was to tell them how, hopefully I will next week on March 11th), I've got a band that I'm totally dedicated to, and hopefully soon, we can put our music up on our page Cut Throat Mary is my main passion other than A7X, and being me, another thing that marks how far I've come is the street team I own and run for Zacky Vengeance's clothing line Zacky V , and he knows about it, and wants to link it to his site, so that is one big fucking achievement in itself, and that lets me know I'm doing something good and right!
I've come a fucking long way since all the depression, and sucidal times, and the self harm that I went through, the people who helped me through know who they are, well I hope they do!
I do think sometimes that I miss my life in London, but one day in my life I will move back there, I do miss my group of friends that I used to hang out with every weekend in Greenwich Park or under the Cutty Sark, smoking pot and doing strange things, being loud, being ourselves and having the most amount of fun we could have in two days!!
Sorry for rambling on, but If I have this running through my head all day, I'll end up talking to the walls.
So as I end this, I wanna say thanks to all the friends I have that, even though some of you are so far away, I want to thank A7X for sharing there music, and being so understanding when I met them and told them why I love them so much......you see this heart, it belongs to them!!!!
Life Sentence are owed a vast amount of thanks, they are my fave UK band, get that right, and they have to share my heart with A7X....
but enough of that.
I'm ending this with the fact that I'm putting all the past behind me, and moving on and looking to the future, and as Zacky said in an email to me a few days ago, about people saying shit about him....I totally agree with this (this actually quoted from the email he sent me):
"until those same people are accomplishing more
then I am I would never even take notice"
This guy is an inspiration to me, and as I said before I agree with what he said....and I guess I would say, that is my new motto in life!!!
ZACKY YOU FUCKING RULE YA KNOW THAT!!!!!!
On that note I'm going to go now, and do some random ass shit!
love and Vengeance
Zara Vengeance (ZV the second)
xxxx
|
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| SEPTUM REVEALING GOES WELL |
[25 Feb 2006|10:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 i'm ill |
] |
Wayhey
Mom was cool with my peircing, sat and talked to me, face to face, and was able to look at me, like she said she wouldn't.
My family started to arrive, and hardly said a word about it.
My brother wasn't toooo impressed but his girlfriend was....
Nan got over it.
When I got in the car when dad picked me up he was like " let's see it", and i was like "look it's here" and he said "is that all the argument is over"
So yeah no one said anything bad about my septum, although my auntie did say it was disgusting, but then added although if I was your age now I would probably do it.
So everyone seemed okay with it and I'm happy.
So I now have a bit of a confidence boost.
Now I'm gonna have an early night as I'm going shopping tomorrow, for some new clothes, or what ever I like really...thanks nan for the £40.....more new stuff!!
Before I got there is this really cool guy on aim called Zacky, he's soooo sweet, and sooo cool, and loves my psp x stuff!
love and Vengeance
xxx
|
|
| Septum....the aftermath |
[24 Feb 2006|04:01pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 um..what???? |
] |
Not so good,
It didn't hurt, obv....pete the peircer, was so gentle, and so fucking good....I'm over joyed with my peircing. When the needle first went in, the abuse consisted of hmmmppppff arrrrrrrrgh ZACKY VENGEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCE and that was it
Me and my mom are having the biggest of text arguments right now....I'm pretty much hated, and so far mom has called me a selfish weirdo....okay I know I'm a weirdo but how am i selfish, it's my body.
Okay so I know there is a family party, but I'm brave enough to get it done....my mom just this second text me and said I better be at the family party, with a plaster on my nose, so I said no I'll wear a bandanna over my nose and she's all like that's cool i can call you wacko jacko the second...lmao
Everyone is pretty upset but hey, that's parents for you, but the second my sister opens her mouth, i will fill it for her!!!
Pictures:
My ZV necklace
Me and pringle:
Love and Vengeance
xxx
|
|
| Out of Space |
[24 Feb 2006|11:30am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 Just got up |
] |
I've just got up to the sound of The Prodigy pumping out of my stereo, and I'm in a bouncy mood.....
Well it's decided I'm not going to the Nott's A7X gig, I'm going to Dublin with Mel, Kirsty, Jeni, and Sig, and none of us can do nott's and get to holyhead and not miss the ferry.
So in the words of Sig..."Fuck Nott's"
I can't wait for the tour now!!!
getting my septum done today, after 2pm, I'm soooo over excited, and I'm getting my ZV necklace, it's gonna rock, show ya's later.
Love and Vengeance
xxx
|
|
| Honestly |
[23 Feb 2006|04:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 fuck |
] |
Lifes pretty much shit at the moment tbh.
My Bf walked out on me on my birthday, because I'm getting my septum peirced...little does he know when...FRIDAY
My mom said she'll disown me....Oh come the fuck on I'm 19 for fucksake, and I can do what I want with my body!
I'm scrapping round for money for the tour at the moment, I don't want to miss it.
My good friend Pringle and lead guitarist in my band has bought me a ticket to the last show of the UK tour THE LONDON FORUM....fuck yes...meet and greet anyone??
Well I only have 3 of my tickets at the moment.
My friend Mel is wanting me to go to Dublin to see A7X, but I just don't know at the moment, and every downfall to do with this tour is breaking my mother fucking heart. Okay I'm gonna stop talking about the tour it's upsetting me shit loads at the moment.
Moving on.....
So I went out to Canterbury yesterday with Pringle and bought a really nice bag, it's black with red skulls on it, I also got 20 badges for £2.
I bought The Prodigy's album ; Their Law, the singles.
I'm a big fan, as is Pringle, and we are really looking forward to Download 06, as we get to see the legend that is Keith Flint.
I wasa gonna get the black and white Misfits shoes, as they were only £20 and a pair of punk rose shoes that were the same price.
I did buy a cool kahki dickies hat, and wrote Vengeance on it and Vengeance University. and stuck a badge on it, that has to skellingtons having sex on it lmao...I'm gonna get Zacky to sign the front of my hat!!
Over the last few weeks, I've gained friends and lost friends, had a few sales of my t-shirts, and finally started to show my 2nd language that is Rave....yes I am a glow stick whore.....
|
|
| THANKYOU FOR MAKING IT PERFECT |
[22 Feb 2006|10:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 glad u are ok |
] |
I got an email from Zacky , I asked him about some rumours going round about him having an eating disorder and taking it to heart when some of the fans say he is fat.
This was his reply:
haha thats awesome... dont worry yourselves too much about lil old
me..If i cared what people said I wouldnt be where I am today. People
can call me whatever they want..Im too busy taking over the world to
pay much attention and until those same people are accomplishing more
then I am I would never even take notice. I appreciate everyones
concern however but just remember dont believe everything that you read
haha.
To know he is okay just made my birthday perfect, even though it started off shite.
See now you know why he is my inspiration...I love that guy!
|
|
| WELL ISN'T THIS GREAT |
[22 Feb 2006|06:03am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
i won't see you tonight |
] |
Well what a happy birthday this is.
My Boyf just walked out on me, over the fact I'm gettin my septum done....change of plan i'm not now, i'm getting it done after the family party on saturday, so that way i dont look like zara vengeance the red nose humanoid. I'm getting a tattoo instead and something else, not sure what.
But yea I'm pretty beat up at the moment, my trip to london is well out today, mom doesn't think it's wise, I've had no sleep, nor do i want to sleep.
Sleep deprivation i hear you say.
Anyway I'm gonna go
Love, heartache and vengeance
|
|
| RAVE WHORE |
[20 Feb 2006|11:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 masses of sweaty dancing flesh |
] |
As mush as I love Avenged Sevenfold, and as much as I love Metal, I have to express my other language....yes kiddies, It's Rave/Techno.
Ahhhh I'm still all hyper over the fact I'm going out raving on wednesday to a club called Girls and Boys on Wednesday in Canterbury....depends if my friend comes up with another club, I just text him to ask him.
Girls and Boys is aparently a Gay club, but none of us care, beacause it's apperently 50% Gay & Lesbian and 50% Straight so we can go have a fucking good night....if not I'm sure we'll end up in Camden!
A7X tour is 17 days away soon to be 16 and I'm also going to the Dublin date now, well I'm still undecided, never been to Ireland, but M.J. really wants me to go, so we'll see.
SEPTUM ON WEDNESDAY, AHHHH I CAN'T WAIT, GONNA ROCK....weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I'm overly happy!
Actually I may get it done tomorrow, na wednesday, because then Pringle can come with me!
I might go get plugs as well, oh yes...now lets go find a job too, hee hee!!!!
I'll decide in the morning!
maybe if my nan gives me £50 as well I can go to camden and have some fun, CYBERRRRRRRRRRRRR DOOOOOOOOOOOOG here I come........good old cyber dog cds
we'll see
for now
Love and Vengeance
STROBE LIGHT RAVE WHORE
xxx
|
|
| I DO LIKE A RAVE |
[20 Feb 2006|10:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 RAVE WITH ME |
] |
STROBE LIGHT RAVE WHORE
Gonna go out and RAVE on wednesday, fuck seeing the bezerker..CANTERBURY HERE WE COME
|
|
| SEPTUM |
[20 Feb 2006|04:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
SEPTUUUUUUUUM |
] |
Now I'm jumping for joy
I'm getting my septum done again on wednesday, my 19th.
Ha ha and there is a big ass family party on the 25th of this month, ha ha , they are so not gonna be impressed...lol oh well, my face, my body!
Smart clothes and a septum and lip peircing lol, my family are gonna get a shock!!
Well that's all for now and I'm fucking freezing, and I have magic disappering Marlboro Reds, I put one down and it's now walked away somewhere lol
Love and Vengeance
|
|
| Grandma is 90.....you go girl |
[20 Feb 2006|12:55am] |
Okay my grandma is 90 today, so happy birthday to her, the sweet woman that she is.
I'm actually really tired, pissed off and amused.
This stupid little girl can't get a life, and keeps trying to piss me off, everyone of her comments, amuse me....so immature.
Well I am 19 in a few days, and I do plan to have a fucking good time, even if I can't go see The Bezerker, but I'm sure I will go see them, and get shit faced drunk again, and me and pringle can sing the tune to "magic round a bout" in the middle of chatham, and then whatever else springs to mind.
Pring is laying on the couch now, as we discuss the A7X show at the London forum and our band, and how Tony tries to big him self up to much....
I'm gonna get another tattoo on tuesday or maybe wednesday. I dunno yet....yes another A7X one...
I need to start my City of Evil/ Sounding the Seventh trumpet sleeve on my right arm.
Deathbat needs completing. and then I will be happy.
I'm thinking of getting two roses from the sounding the seventh trumpet cover tattoed on my collar bone, either side.....hmmm we'll see. I'll draw what I want later.
Well I'm gonna go now and sleep, gotta get up in the morning, and do some shit.
Love and Vengeance
xxxx
|
|
| YOU REALLY NEED TO GROW THE FUCK UP |
[19 Feb 2006|10:53am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
WWW.CAVETROLLMODELS.COM |
] |
maybe i dont want silly immature little girls reading my journal.
and don't be all cussing my mom, and as a matter of fact I'm not fat you need to look at my photos a little closer hunni and take your head out of your ass.
Thinking about it I don't need to hide my shit from anyone, especially a immature little child like you.
You must live a dull life, sitting there looking at my profile's, and my journal's and thinking about what sad ass comment to try and upset me with.
You really need to get a life, and bother someone else.
If you want to bitch my mom, come to The London Astoria on March 11th, and we'll see if you're tough enough to say shit about me and my mom to my face, because I seriously doubt you are.
Now go run along, go play with your stupid little friends, and think up more pathetic come backs.
Oh and I don't think modelling agencies take cave trolls, so you may need to go look else where.
Oh and hunni If I was fat, and ugly Suicide Girls would not have accepted me....go ahead find shitty pictures and say they look like me etc, because at the end of the day you are wasting your time.
And as for telling Tony that you don't shag uglies, he wants to know if you looked in the mirror again.
OOOOPS SORRY DO I SOUND LIKE I CARE, ......WELL I DON'T
|
|
| beer, games, movies and random love for Stu, Jay, Josh, Adam and Chris |
[19 Feb 2006|01:00am] |
Well Pringle and Baz were sitting there playin The Punisher on PS2 and got half way through the game.
Now we are watching some movie and Pringle is eating a chicken flavoured crisp sandwich, after looking in my fridge and seeing a tub of "I can't Believe it's not butter" and a chicken to which he came out with "I can't believe it's not Chicken"
Then Baz stuck a walkie talkie down the side of Pringle's chair and made it make a ringing noise making Pringle look slightly scared/concerned about the noise...he thought he'd eaten something bad lol!
I have beer here and I'm very very happy.
So far this evening me and Pringle have discussed going to a rave seeming though we both love Prodigy, not sure what club we'll end up at.
Pringle is also buying me a ticket to see A7X at The Forum in London on March 16th, he's buying it for my birthday next week.
Now he's saying he'd give his spunk to meet A7X, lol this is where we try to get into the meet and greet , as well as me being at the one at the Astoria.
Before I go now, I want to say my friend Caity has these really cool guys who like A7X parked outside her house.
Their names are Stu, Jay, Josh, Adam and Chris and I love them alot, having not met them, but spoken to them via caity, bless them all worried about me and my ankle.
I'm meeting up with them at the Birmingham A7X show and I can't wait, aparently Stu is bigger than M-Shadows.
Anyway incase these lovely guys read this I LOVE YOU LOTS!!!!!
SEE YOU SOON
I get to finally speak to them today, can't wait.
They told Caity that I have a fan club in Orange County lmao!! go me!
Anyway I'm off later
Love and Vengeance
xx
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